Charles The Technician

Legislation to push for: Computer Operator License

Posted by Charles | Filed under Rants

I swear to God there is some disease that comes around, and the carrier is the keyboard or something. Why is it that when someone gets within 5 feet of a keyboard they all the sudden lose all common sense? Some people are immune to this, but most aren’t.

Case Study 1: Update my antivirus? Why?

Lady calls me up the other day and wonders why her computer is fucking filled with pop ups and telling her to download this program or that program to get rid of spyware / adware…
Public Service Announcement: If a POP UP is trying to sell you something to REMOVE POP UP’s it’s PROBABLY not legit. It’s like buying protection from the mafia, so that the mafia doesn’t kick your ass…except the mob still kicking your ass.

…I ask her what antivirus / spyware / adware protection programs she runs. She says with confidence (I was impressed), AVG, Adaware, and Spybot S&D.
So her computer winds up in the shop cause I’m not even going to begin trying to fix this with her over the phone. First thing I see, 3827 scans ran on Adaware, last update…..not within the last year. Spybot? Same thing. AVG? Been bitching at her for the last 384 days, it was asking if it would be better for her if it just uninstalled itself.

I tell her she has to update these tools and she goes balistic, “I’m college educated and I work at {X_Named_Lawfirm} and I know how to administrate a computer”.
No lady you don’t, infact I should have dedicated an idiot of the week to you but instead you got rolled up here with the other assclowns. I hope you are happy

Case Study 2: More space = Faster Computer!

Guy calls me up and doesn’t understand what why his computer wouldn’t work, it was working last night, whole shebang.
Me: “What was the last thing you were doing to your computer when it stopped working?”

Him: “I was deleting files I didn’t think I needed to try and speed up my computer.”
OK first things first, more HD space does not mean faster computer(Link!), GET THIS IDEA OUT OF YOUR HEAD, WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT COME FROM I WANT TO KNOW SO I CAN LOBOTOMIZE THE PERSON THAT STARTED THIS.

Second, if it’s in a folder called “Windows” or “System” or “System32″ or “Don’t fucking delete me douchenugget” then it’s probably NOT a good idea to delete it. Was bad enough you had to go through a “Naughty Naugthy User, nothing for you to do here” warning when you try and browse through there.

Case Study 3: “I overclocked my modem and added more CPU to my SATA floppy drive”

People that come in the shop and try and wow me with terminology and wind up butchering it up so bad I cant keep a straight face.

1.) Shut the fuck up.
2.) In very simple terms that you would use with your child tell me what error you are getting or what the problem appears to be to you.
3.) Don’t tell me how to fix it.

This isn’t a new phenomenon but really, people act like they know what the hell they are talking about when they wouldn’t have a clue if it came up and took them out for dinner and a movie fucked them and didn’t return their call. (Xalpharis you bitch, return my phone calls!(LINK!) (Please?))

So here is my solution…
Mandatory licensing computer operators and admins. No license? No login. Why? Because every operating system forces basic users to be admins, here is a hint: GRANDMA IS NOT A FUCKING ADMINISTRATOR. If you cannot demonstrate an ability to administrate a computer you are not allowed to do it unsupervised. Yeah it may be your car, but you better be licensed on it to use it.

Class E license: Basic Windows, can only run what a Class B Admin has installed and approved for use on their computer, has 0 admin privlages. No Internet Access. No age limit.

This is the basic license, no cost, no test, you are required to name the Class B admin that will be administrating your computer prior to you being given your login. Think of it as your learner’s permit.

Class D license: Basic Windows, can install software that does not require admin privileges, can change printers, all things that a Class E can do. Limited Internet Access, Class B approved websites + Email + Limited IRC, instant messaging. Is allowed to access files from CD or other storage device. No age limit

This is the real user license, $25. Basic test dealing with anti-virus, system files, file formats, how to report error messages

Class C license: Admin Learner’s permit. Everything Class D has, can install own software, full internet access, cannot host websites or admin remote servers, can use existing services (Myspace), a Class B Admin may at his/her discretion setup a website or blog for a class C user to post into. May Moderate forums, may OP channels in IRC. Full admin Age limit: 17 years old.

Requires a test dealing with all of the class D material, privacy, safety online, command line operations, naming parts by sight and what they do. (No charge if license granted within 2 years of Class D license)

Class B (Admin) License: Competent Windows Administrator, Full admin access on any computer he is listed as a admin on by a Class D or lower user. Has remote access to all Class E users computer that list him as an admin, must be onsite to see Class D or Class C users computers. May operate 10 websites, no shell access on websites, only preconfigured control panels. Exceptions to this are those packages installed by a Class A admin and signed off as secured, and claim to update as needed. May Administrate Forums and may OP IRC networks.

Test involves Server security, Firewall use, IPv4 and IPv6 principles, diagnosing network problems, basic networking, restoring from backups, how to backup, remote administration methods, batch file usage, command line administration, etc.

Class A (Admin) License: Competent Windows and *nix Administrator, Full admin on any computer his Class B admin’s has access to but only if Class B is logged in. No restrictions but is audited twice a year to ensure that all servers he is administrating over are up to date, 2 strikes and you are out (Class C License instead of Class A).

Test involves more indepth version of the Class B license, use of BASH, routing tables, IRC network operations, scripting, some basic programming.

Then like licenses have restrictions they also have Endorcements.

Programmer: Allowed restrictions of one line up from his own, must take a test to ensure proficiency and understanding in a programming language.

Hardship: Lives in an area lacking administrators, has full admin access of own computer, but same internet privlages of their current license. Is subject to removal if an administrator moves in or is graduated within an acceptable distance.

College Student: Has full internet access, may not admin websites unless license class allows.

Wifi:  You can operate a wireless network, must be atleast Class C+

etc.

For those of you yelling at me to update…FUCK YOU.

Love,

Charles~